The “Cawdor Problem” been a constant problem for the citizens of Ground Level of Dirtside. It is sad that some of the most industrious folk must share the same Air-Recyc as these so called “faithful”. Dirtside News can exclusively report that the Cawdor Problem of Zone 7s resettlement project has been resolved by the Van Saar crew of the “Proto-men”.
Yesterday started innocuous enough, the Proto-men, aiming to settle in the territory were returning from the Bazaar with supplies at 1 hour past Imperator Vespers. Crossing the wastes known as the “Throughpass” they were set upon by the raving maniacsof the “Penitent Ones”, who having discarded their pious duties of hunters of foul witches set upon good Emperor fearing folk. Naturally, being of cowardly nature and poor intellect the Penitents were unable to perform the simply task of opening a door. The stupidity of the squalid Cawdor allowed the Penitent Ones to fire several warning shots at the Cawdor, hoping that God-Emperor fearing folk would recognise the Van Saars Righteousness. Notoriously dim witted and sloven Cawdor however instead of realising their error, in a COWARDLY DISPLAY, slammed the bulk head door on Arnold 0.7. Horrified by this, the Proto-men ably lead by Lex 1.0 laid down a suppressing fire pattern, cutting down several Cawdor, who as is their way retreated in cowardly disarray. We understand that the Proto-Men have taken to guarding the Throughpass now against further threats from the Cawdor.
This story does not end there, and the Proto-mens actions demonstrate to all Dirtsiders how to deal with their “Cawdor Problem”. Having elected to “destroy the nest” of the Cawdor, the Van Saar transported a controlled demolitions device into the Penitent Ones hide out. In a desperate bid to stop the Van Saar rooting out the Cawdor canker, the Penitent Ones threw themselves at the Proto-Men, firing crude explosives at them, heedless that they might set off an uncontrolled demolition! Once again the discipline of the brave Van Saar shone through, cutting down the Cawdor with Plasma and Lasfire. We've been informed that two of the most vile Penitent Ones were killed in the exchange for no losses of the Protomen. Better yet, the rabble rouser Theophilos was captured by the Proto-Men. In a surprise development, it turns out that Theolphilos has an outstanding Bounty on his head, no doubt the Proto-men will be keen to collect.
Happily the Proto-Men were able to complete their controlled demolition and the area is ready for rebuilding. Our local reporter Avidius Cassius Bergami managed to get this exclusive word from respected local Medicae Honest Hans; “[I told the Cawdor to] Get out [but they demanded I treated them, threatening “do it] or I'll Eviscerate you. I won't tell [how happy I am to have proper people like the Van Saar here] you [have no idea how bad the Cawdor smell, I never want them near me] again.”
So, from our intrepid report we can answer the “Cawdor problem” with the Lex Resolution: Strikes. Bomb Them! Bomb them! Keep bombing them, bomb them again and again. And don’t concern yourself of how long it takes or how much blood must be shed. Just take out those Cawdor who step out of line. Take out their Homes, and take out those families. Their place is out of sight and out of mind. And if they don't like it? They can go back to where they came from. This is Dirtside and we're dam proud of our God-Emperor fearing world.
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